Girls are Cool

Girls are Cool…Here’s Forty Seven Reasons Why

Sitting here listening to Parliament. Wondering where the time went. It seems like just yesterday, I was finding out that our baby was a girl…living and breathing. And now she’s almost walking. One thing about this parenthood gig is that it never goes on vacation. It doesn’t go into standby or sleep mode.
If you’re wondering why I’m blasting up all forty-seven reasons at once here, it’s simple. I’m retiring the column. It’s run it’s course and it’s time to pursue other avenues for exertion. Girls are Cool, as a concept, helped me get my hands around what it was going to be like to have a baby girl because naturally, all I know about is boys since I grew up one (no, it’s totally true) and had a brother who, then, had two boys. Anything with a pecker and propensity for arson, I know. Anything else, I’m clueless. Each week was a new discovery as to why girls are cooler than boys. Wouldn’t you know, I actually convinced myself that girls are much cooler than boys. Not slightly…nope…significantly. Nothing against all the cool boys out there. Peyton, Parker, Maverick, Kodiak, Drake, Cass, Fox, Aiden, Max, Diego…boys are cool too, but here are the 47 ways where you simply can’t win. Where you’re powerless against your female counterparts.
Just remember as you go through this life, respect your sister, your mother, your grandma. Remember you don’t even stand here today if it weren’t for those incredible women. That, alone, puts them in another stratosphere. It’s not our fault we can’t have kids. That’s just the way we were made. We gotta make up for in other ways. It doesn’t help that we’re stubborn, prideful, aggressive and completely asinine. We have to overcome so much just to be normal. Amazing we can speak in complete sentences and bathe ourselves. So challenged, we are. So ladies and gentlemen, here are the 47 reasons why girls are cool. Links included.
  1. Because they don’t pee up when changing diapers.
  2. Because they don’t turn into deviants around fireworks and end up blowing a hand off.
  3. Because they’re less likely to streak.
  4. Because they’re smart.
  5. Because you don’t have to worry about them getting hairy knuckles.
  6. Because they don’t want anything to do with the rap game.
  7. Because they smell like flowers.
  8. Because they can pitch a ball nearly 80 MPH underhand.
  9. Because they’re less likely to die in a shark attack.
  10. Because their dream team is much cooler.
  11. Because you never have to tell them to grow a pair.
  12. Because they can get up at 5:00 AM, take an IV, contract all day, take an epideral into the spine, contract even more on nothing but ice chips and the go into surgery on the abdomen and still stay up all night getting tossed pricked and prodded…they’re one tough cookie.
  13. Because they got their priorities straight and a foul ball ain’t worth anything.
  14. Because they got much better things to spend their 20,000 words on than a pissing contest.
  15. Because their car insurance is cheaper.
  16. Because they potty train quicker.
  17. Because they’re less likely to bully.
  18. Because they don’t throw dirt clods.
  19. Because they can strip paint and break glass with their voices.
  20. Because they’re built to last.
  21. Because they love us men even though we’re total tools sometimes.
  22. Because they can rock boys’ clothes by just simply accessorizes.
  23. Because they pull off almost any look with a purse.
  24. Because of the chest pass.
  25. Because they can gift wrap for days.
  26. Because they’re less likely to shoot their eye out on some sort of ignorant backyard behavior.
  27. Because they can rock a baby like nobody’s business.
  28. Because circumcisions ain’t free.
  29. Because they know how to crush a man and we’re powerless to their might.
  30. Because they’re a walking Outlook calendar.
  31. Because they know hot to sling the goodies and their goodies are Girl Scout cookies.
  32. Because the big game doesn’t matter.
  33. Because they don’t have any problem calling a professional.
  34. Because they know wrestling is fake.
  35. Because what happens in the bathroom, stays in the bathroom.
  36. Because they’re unwavering in the face of adversity.
  37. Because they can say the word “nipple” with a straight face.
  38. Because they don’t care about a dog’s cornhole.
  39. Because they take good care of their feet and toes.
  40. Because they’re less likely to cheat on their taxes.
  41. Because they’re not waiting on ET to come down and take them on an interplanetary voyage through the solar system.
  42. Because girl drummers simply put it down.
  43. Because their knitting game is mad tight.
  44. Because mothers, also, put it down.
  45. Because when they break through walls, they leave a hole that everyone else can just prance through.
  46. Because when it comes to words and verbs, they’re just ahead of the curve.
  47. Because when it comes to heckling, catcalling and making an ass out of yourself in public, boys wrote the handbook.
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