You know, we’ve spent the last year almost charting the many ways that girls are cool as it was about that long ago that I discovered we were having a girl. Girls are cool was my way of charting the many ways to myself that having a girl was a good thing. As a guy, I guess I just naturally wanted to have a boy. I had twenty different names for a girl, but I had a better feeling with how to raise a boy. Well, in time, I’d discover that at least the first part was true. I’m not even really sure I have a better understanding on how to raise a boy. I guess I just wanted one of those Norman Rockwell moments where me and junior are in our picket-fenced front yard tossing a baseball back and forth. And I naively thought that the only way you could experience this was by having a boy.
On a side note, the Sox just brought in Aceves into a 3-1 game against the Rays to back up Buckholz in the 6th inning and after two long fly outs, he just gave up a solo home run to the ninth hitter in the lineup. Pretty salty managing, Tito. Moron.
Over the course of the year, we counted out the many ways that girls are cool and, on Mother’s Day weekend, I blew up a tribute to mom’s everywhere and, most importantly to me, the mothers that raised me and continue to teach me…including my lovely wife. It’s selfish of me, but today, on the heels of my first legit Fathers’ Day (thanks for last year’s, but that’s just the honorary Fathers’ Day…it certainly means something when you’ve see your own flesh and blood projectile vomit on your lovely wife), I was struck with a slight but detectable unsettledness as I thought about little Ellison on the come-up. It then dissolved into this obsessive tangent where I thought of movies that put a boiling and fiery fear into the gut of this new father. I figured it’d be a fine way to tribute all the fathers out there that tolerate some kinda garbage. No doubt, raising a child is tough business. Raising a girl might be even worse. Time will tell for me. I’m still new at this gig. In my doomsayer mind, you will undoubtedly and undeniably encounter each of these obstacles in your life as a father. It’s not a matter of if, it’s a matter of when. Scary stuff. In no particular order. There’s no denying that girls are cool, dads, but this right here just sucks.
Wanna see that crap staring through your peephole? Yeah, me neither. Fear finds Marky “Good Vibrations” Mark col’ going off. Here’s the synopsis in case you’ve been living in a cave and you missed this gem. Keep on scrolling if I haven’t ruined it for you already or if you’re really so thick that you can’t predict the outcome given the above photo. Marky Mark moves to town. Starts preying on all the fine ladies with his sensitive nature and stunning looks. He starts moving in Reese Witherspoon and Alyssa Milano. Yeah, both of them. Dude just gets around. Turns out, he’s been kicked out of school after school because he’s a freaking psycho. He’s abusive, beats up Reese’s little friend, beats himself up (yeah, awesome stuff), tattoos her name on this chest like she’s a cellmate. He’s having sex with everyone like a mutt with his testes in tact and then, when the father decides he’s seen enough (after Marky Mark makes a pass at his freaking wife), the dad goes to their hideout and trashes the place. Marky and his thugs come home, see he’s trashed the place and they go to hunt the family down. The rest is cinematic history where an army of violent, sex-crazed drug addicts are trying blow the house in. And they kill the dog. Gosh, where to start? As a father, you’re not expecting to ever defend your home against a psycho boyfriend and his stupid nincompoop cronies, but it could happen. Especially when your daughter’s a looker. Crap, better store up on the artillery.
It’s one scene for me and it’s the scene where the still from above is captured from. Deniro plays an ex-con and he sneaks into a high school auditorium, smokes a little weed and then busts a mack on Julliette Lewis who looks of age and probably is, but her character is fifteen years old in the film. Eternally nervous and frayed father Nick Nolte does everything in his power to defend his family, but the damage is done at this point. Deniro’s one of my favorite and his depiction and superb acting in this scene is enough to give dad’s everywhere nightmares for weeks. Cringe-worthy, definitely. You’re buying a shotgun after this replays itself in your head. I start grinding my teeth right at the “do you mind if I put my arm around you?” part.
Funny thing: I was searching for the title of this film. Yeah, I know, it seems pretty easy. I thought it was “Seventeen” so I search that at IMDB. No luck. “Sixteen.” It comes back with Sixteen Candles among others. Nope. “Fifteen?” Nope. Geez, “Fourteen?” Not that either. I shuddered when I searched “Thirteen” and I got a hit. I didn’t realize that they were depicting the life of a freaking thirteen year old! Of course, again, this to a naive and fearful sleepless new dad, seems like the life of any thirteen year old. Tongue piercing, hallucinogenics, drinking, thievery, promiscuous sex, cutting (and back-talking with the prose of a drunken sailor). You don’t stand a chance against these two. Definitely an unfair suggestion that a single mom (played by Holly Hunter) is no match for an unruly horny thirteen year old daughter, but it at least is refuge for a father like me (smacks forehead)…duh…no father figure. Truth is, even with help, I’d be no match for this young’un. Let the county take her.
My lovely wife would love that last line.
Alicia Silverstone was the it-girl for one hot minute. During that spree, girl could break a heart with the best of ’em. In Crush, she puts the moves on a guy twice her age who is living in the guest house. When he doesn’t respond positively to her advances, she goes nuts on him and tries to kill him. Sadly, I don’t have a problem with the second part. That’s just good cinema. It’s the first part that leaves me a little uncomfortable. Her trying to kill him just makes good sense. Someone high-five those writers! Thinking of my daughter making the moves on a man twice her age is disturbing. You wanna whoop his ass, but it ain’t his fault. It’s your daughter and that bad wiring upstairs. Maybe you missed the “age” chapter in the lesson. Where Alicia goes in this movie, though, no father should have to experience. I don’t think she’s a good candidate for “grounding” or taking the phone away. Daddy, I tried to kill our houseguest. I don’t think grounding me is a good idea.
I realize that MTV finally proved they can make anything cool and vogue by making teenage pregnancy the “in” like stonewash, but it’s still a parents worst nightmare. Okay, maybe second worse. Humorous, but still a little uneasy as you watch Juno’s father awkwardly take on his new reality…that his daughter is undeniably and unapologetically pregnant. Father is brilliantly played by J.K. Simmons.
Wait, stonewash isn’t cool anymore?
My worst nightmare? Having to search the slums for you daughter who is having sex with a drug dealer for heroin. Michael Douglas plays a drug czar who, while trying to plug the holes in United States’ southern border, his daughter becomes addicted and he ends up driving around looking his daughter somewhere in Baltimore…presumedly. Ah, sweet irony. Imagine that led to this awkward conversation the next day at the office:
“Hey, Bill. How was your weekend?”
“Good, except for that I spent three hours outside the door of a drug dealer who was using my daughter for sex in exchange for black tar heroin. Other than that, delightful.”
“Wait, what is it that you do around here again?”
Happy Fathers’ Day to all the pops out there. If we could only make it look as easy as our counterparts.
**Moments after posting, my mother comments: “Not my favorite post.” Sorry, Nana. Can’t imagine where I lost you. Somewhere between Marky Mark and black tar heroin. Yeah, I agree. A little tough for Raising Elle.
**Additionally, I’d like to take back my calling Francona a moron for almost blowing the game by going to the bullpen too early. Buckholz was pitching a gem only giving up a run on one hit through 81 pitches. He was experiencing lower back tightness so they took him out. That’s what I get for watching the game on mute. In the end, Sox won and took two of three down in Tampa Bay and are best in the league still…one and a half game ahead of the Yankees (who pounded the Rangers…beat ’em senseless). Thanks for nothing, Rangers.