Return of the Product

Return of the Product: The Bed Wedge

When you gotta baby with food allergies, reflux, colic, etc. you might be recommended to introduce a “wedge” into your baby’s crib. The purpose of it is to allow gravity to do it’s work and by elevating your baby’s head, it allows for better breathing, keep the food moving toward the tummy and not toward an open mouth and your baby’s crib sheets. It makes claims to help your baby “sleep easier.” Seems like this would be true if it improves breathing and digestion. They even put a happy baby randomly in the lower left hand corner of the box just to subconsciously remind you that this makes babies happy.

Of course, I think they did this because the creepy man-baby they used to model the product doesn’t necessarily scream “serene” and “happy” baby. This baby’s creepy, man.

As you see in the picture, though, it’s basically a piece of foam cut like a slice of wedding cake and then you plop your baby down on top of it for a peaceful and long night of refluxless sleep. It’s not foolproof, though. Or at least Ellison-proof. What it meant to Ellison was now she has a slope to slide down at night as she’s wiggling and kicking uncontrollably. What can I say, my girl runs in her sleep like a dog. And, when she does this, while the slope is probably only a 3° rise, it’s enough to move her to the bottom of the wedge into a little pile of rocks. You give Ellison any sort of decline and she’s going down it. Which bodes well for her future as a ski partner to her father, but doesn’t make for a sound night’s sleep.

I throw this product into the pile of products that are well-meaning and seemingly logical, but once you put them into action, they’re the dumbest piece of foam you’ve ever bought. You start thinking about how you could’ve simulated the same thing with, say, a pillow or a folded blanket. The truth is, you don’t need this product at all. If you wanna give it a try, take a blanket and fold it into four layers, lift up the head-side of the mattress and see if that works. It’ll save you the trouble of having to buy, try and return a “wedge”…locking up $20 in the process. This is a crappy product and, because I have to give it a rating (my lovely wife insisted I “give it no black Elvises”), I’ll give it reluctantly one-half of a black Elvis. It’s not worth the cardboard that it’s packaged in.

Speaking of, I would advise you develop a recycling program before you have a new baby because it’s ridiculous the size of your carbon footprint the second you have a new baby. Your carbon footprint is probably the size of your freaking neighborhood from all the crap you pour down the drain, all the products wrapped in plastic bags, framed in styrofoam, boxed in cardboard. Having a baby is good for your family, but terrible on the environment.

 

 

 

 

One product that’s worth a hundred times the cardboard it’s packaged in is Sly and Family Stone’s There’s a Riot Goin’ On which I discovered again for the twentieth time while putting together the Root Down Cali Funk podcast available for download over at IKnowYouGotSole.

Of course, if it’s worth 100 times the cost of the cover and the cover’s worth a dime, than you have a $10.00 record. That’s not very good. Uh, let’s call it 500 times the cost of the sleeve. $50 is easy. Even Ellison thinks so.

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