Parental Advisory

Parental Advisory: A Word from the Pooptrician

Confession time. When I was a kid, I pooped diamonds because I was so constipated. Maybe I was uptight. Maybe I just had a digestive tract that was the size of a straw. Either way, I needed a little assistance. Turns out my father always did too. And now, so does Miss Ellison. Girl had two terrible episodes this week and we decided to get her into the doctor a few days short of her 4-month appointment because we were starting to get worried. I mentioned that when she’s trying to poop, it seemed like she was trying to crap a softball through a dimehole and her farts would wake up the dogs. Actually, I said she farts louder than I do. And she does drop a diaper, it’s got like a perfectly molded Poopsie roll in there. It’s as hard as cold wax and could break glass if sent flying. She has healthy ones too, but not often enough.

The pediatricians advice? You got it…prune juice. Now, there was a point I was thinking prune juice as well. Someone at work mentioned castor oil and I remembered quickly that’s what Lard Ass drank in Stand By Me to jump off the barf-o-rama. With the pediatricians endorsement, prune juice it is. Her advice was to mix in two ounces into her bottles throughout the day or to use the prune puree if she would eat it. See if that does the trick.

Now, I know when I was a little tike, I had to flush what seemed like ten or fifteen of those little cockroaches before I’d log out. We started with mixing in, I believe, an ounce with her million dollar formula. A few hours went by and nothing. We stuck to the plan for another day. Putting a little into her bottles here and there, but no more than two ounces total. Her mood seemed to adjust. She’s started “speaking” and smiling during this time whereas before it was either a moan or a scream. But still, no dice.

Then we took her to her daykeeper and the text read: “Ellison is an angel and has pooped four times…enough for the whole family.” Stop drilling, we struck gold!

Turns out that sac of poo probably bloated to size of a cantaloupe and once the igniter took hold, we couldn’t get it to stop and her intestines turned into one long straight fire hose. After her body was cleaned out and nothing but a smile pasted on her face. We haven’t gotten the smile off her face yet. Needless to say, we pulled back on the allocation to an ounce a day and maybe even still might take it back a little more. She’s like a new baby, though. Here’s what I’d say, as advise, prune juice is as combustible as gasoline. Work up to two ounces, but don’t start there. I mean, it flushed her out really good, but we tore through more diapers than we probably needed to in the process. I guess a small price to pay for a baby who hadn’t had an episode (i.e. screaming and throwing punches) in about four days.

We continue to keep an eye on the situation and I’ll let you know as things develop.

This, for you, is a double shot of advise this morning. For anyone hunting down Enfamil’s Million-Dollar Nutramigen AA, I’m here to tell you. There’s help on Ebay. We’ve made a few transactions already and have been pleased with our purchases overtime. I don’t even mind telling you knowing you’ll be my competition on future bids simply because I want to do everything I can to create a black market for this stuff so that Enfamil, insurance companies and pharmacies might step their game up and find a way to make it available for a little less than $45 a can. The going rate right now on Ebay is around $25-$28 a can. You can buy one at a time, a case (four in a case) or even more than one case. Be careful, though, and don’t let it get away from you or you’ll end up paying more than you could’ve just gotten it from the pharmacy for. My going rate right now is no more than $27 a can. Below, you can see a last second hustle to get my hands on a two cases and you can see how cutthroat it can get. This got hairy fast. I (pandaboogs) logged in with only 2:25 remaining in the auction and placed four bids only to get squeezed out by $.50. Seven days brought only 14 bids and then, in the last two minutes, there was a freaking race with seven bids coming in on rapid fire.

Buy on Ebay. Buy in a parking lot from a guy named “Al.” Don’t buy at the pharmacy. Some had to have “fallen off a truck” in Jersey and is making it’s way out to the market. Just wait until it does. I don’t know what goes into making this stuff, but when the insurance company doesn’t cover it and families are left with no other choice than to go to the open market to see what’s the cheapest you can find it, they’re gonna go to the internet to do their biz. And, for the record, we’re happy customers now. Make sure you check the expiration date on what you’re bidding on. No one’s selling expired stuff, but some might be really close and you’re looking to backstock Enfamil, be careful on those expiration dates.

And buyer assumes all risk on the internet. Don’t blame me if you catch a bad deal. Now, go listen to Freewheelin’ Bob Dylan.

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