In we continue our weekly journey through the 25 reasons why Girls are Cool (just short of half-way through the list), we come to a timely reason why girls have a definite and serious edge over their male counterparts. Speaking from years of experience (or years of continued frustration), I can tell you that if there’s one skill that men undoubtedly fail at consistently it is gift wrapping. In fact, the results are normally embarrassing and downright disastrous sometimes. This is what a typical gift wrapping job by a girl looks like. Colors are matched with the bow. Beautiful bow is proportionate to the gift, not too small and diminutive. It’s stylish. Chic. Something that looks worth opening.
This is the same gift wrapped by a guy. The atrocious wrapping paper, carrying a sports theme fitting for a six year old boy, looks terribly out of place on the gift table just from the paper alone. This is the proverbial turd in the punchbowl. The wrapping paper is used more like a blanket that we basically wrap the gift in. Corners are clumsily folded. Tape is used liberally. No bow. Usually we use about two to three times more paper than is necessary. The differences are night in day. This looks like a gift worth tossing in the trash before it’s even opened. In fact, it might actually be confused for trash because it looks so poorly presented.
I tried to find out why girls are so much better at gift wrapping than guys and the best that I can come up with is that girls have a natural aptitude for crafts and working with elements such as ribbon, paper, tape, scissors. Girls are first to figure out how to cut out paper people or paper snowflakes. And have you seen a girl curl a ribbon with scissors? They can do it in blinding speed with deadly accuracy. Boys just like to chunk hard objects against fragile objects until they shatter into a thousand tiny pieces. That’s our talent.
My lovely wife used to get paid $20 on Christmas Eve by her father to wrap gifts because he even knew that girls have a competitive advantage in this field. Her brothers didn’t have a clue how to wrap a gift. I’ve seen their work. It ain’t pretty.
For guys, the gift bag is a godsend. It covers up our shortcomings by just giving us a perfectly creased and structured sack that we can put a little bit of stuffing in and just drop the gift into. I don’t know the statistics, but I gotta think that close to 80% of gift bag usage is from clueless males trapped in a world they can’t survive in. Same thing with the gift card. Perfect. We know how to seal an envelope and we’re generally terrible at selecting the perfect gift. The gift card gives us a suitable out to having to buy a gift that would require wrapping. We just don’t know how to deal. Wanna see a guy become completely unhinged? Hand him a cone and tell him to wrap it. If it ain’t a perfect cube, he’ll break down into a tearful whine and question his existence.
Let’s look quickly at a few signs that something was wrapped by a guy:
When you see gifts arrive without a bow, likely it was wrapped by a guy. Bows require too much work and thought. Guys usually reason by saying to themselves, “Man, it’s just going to get ripped off and thrown on the floor anyway. Skip the bow.” When you see a gift wrapped like a Tootsie Roll where the ends are just wadded up excess wrapping paper, that was likely wrapped by a guy. This practice is our way around having to fold, crease and tape. That’s a practice that’s just much to difficult for our hands. When you see the name of the recipient written on the gift wrap, it was likely done by a guy. Girls tend to lean more towards using a small card or folded piece of paper that’s adhered to the gift. When you see a gift wrapped in any sort of plastic, that’s a guy thing. It’s usually a way of saying, “It was just too awkward so I put it in a black trash bag and double-bagged it so that you couldn’t see through it.” This solution is terrible and inappropriate for gift giving. And guys will occasionally do this. If you see any tape other than Scotch tape, that gift was wrapped by a guy. Not all tapes are equal, but guys lean toward functionality. Hey, it got the job done! They’ll use duct tape, masking tape, painters tape, brown shipping tape, electric wiring tape. They don’t care as long as it seals it shut.
Girls are cool because they not only can gift wrap for days, but they understand the importance of presentation. Guys will do anything to get out of having to gift wrap. Watch for the guys at the store waiting for the store’s employees to gift wrap it for them. We’ll pay a 1000% markup on the service just so we don’t have to do it. Girls do it and do it well. That’s why, this Friday, girls are mad cool. Because they make excellent elves.