Parental Advisory

Parental Advisory: Which Poo Are You?

Like most farm animals, dogs and grandfathers, there’s a lot that can be determined by fecal matter. Babies are no different. As you go through the countless non-boob food options in the marketplace and foods that mom eats to make her boobie food not so pleasing to the babies backside, it helps to have visual reference of what kinda ca-ca you’re staring at when you pull back the diaper.

For many, changing the diaper can be straight-up traumatizing. I liken it to that childish fearfulness of opening the door to a dark closet. Not only do you fear something’s in there, but that it might actually jump out at you like the freaking boogieman. Shar Shar told me of the poo that actually brimmed the diaper and got on Ellison’s outfit. Now, if you didn’t believe in the boogieman…

The inspection of the diaper is a necessary process if your baby appears to be constantly agitation. Sometimes it feels a lot less like the half-look over your shoulder as you’re getting up from the can and a lot more like the farmer that’s up to his shoulder in the cornhole of a 1200-pound cow. I treat poo like haz-mat and immediately try to wrap it up and contain the element. When it’s open to the room or sitting on the changing table await inspection, I think it’s gonna grow legs and walk off. Hell, some of them look like they already grew legs and are just waiting for an invite.

I’ve seen runny poos, poos like that look like rotting spinach, poos that look like black tar heroin, curry poo, Linda Blair-pea soup poo, the rain-soaked morsels of dog food poo, the seedy poo, the Tootsie Roll and the grim reaper. But what does it all mean?

Lucky for us, Similac totally redeems themselves for putting beetle larvae in their formula by hosting one of the most comprehensive poo-inspection tool out there and, yes, it’s totally free. It’s called the The Diaper Decoder and is a tool to help you recognize what kinda felon the bus just dropped off at the station. And it comes in beautiful and glorious Technicolor. Man, once you look at that chart, you’ll swear there’s never been anything wrong with your baby. You ain’t looked death in the eyes until you’ve looked at the chalky white “ghost poo.” Or the red poo.

The Diaper Decoder comes with emoticons to help you identify the good from the bad from the ugly. If you see the pouty face, that means you need to see the doc with a quickness.

Sorry I’ve been so absent lately. It’s not my intention to go some five days without an update, but been hella busy. I even missed a Girls are Cool post on Friday which will be made up this Friday. Never fear.

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