Parental Advisory

Parental Advisory: Knowing When to Join the Club

I must confess to you all. I broke down. I gave in.

I’m a Sam’s Club member.

Before you tie me to the pole, cry “hypocrite” and then proceed to burn me from the toes up, let me explain.

Not only does Sam’s and WalMart pay their employees peanuts and work them long hours, push suppliers to the brink of disaster to pass along ridiculously low prices, in doing so closing out privately owned local businesses, pave over perfectly good land with an asphalt parking lot while expanding at a feverish pace, (allegedly) discriminate against female leadership in their bonus structure, (allegedly) discriminate against blacks, drive economical growth outside and away from America, exploit international workers’ rights, advise suppliers to open factories and plants in China, they also get damned cheap on diapers.

This is, by far, the worst and most evil company that has ever existed in the history of this great green planet. But when the rubber meets the road (or the turd/turd-like sludge hits the diaper), thems Pampers are cheap. I had expressed concern in a previous Parental Advisory post about the cost of diapers and how to ration them because infants blow through them like donuts at the station.

Here’s some economics for you:

I estimated that you could outfit a baby with, pending any explosive uncontrollable diarrhea that ruins diapers at an alarming rate, three to four diapers a day and that expense is roughly $275 annually. That’s expensive. We bought 216 diapers the other day for about $39.48. That is $.18 per diaper. That number now has come down from $275 to $229 annually. We just trimmed another $45 (or 16%) off the diaper expense of a baby just by buying at Sam’s Club.

I’ll be real, though, Sam’s really is evil. When I walked in that place, I felt like I was going back on everything I believed in. I felt like I joined some cult. I felt like I walked into a XXX house and I was buying videos for a 12 year old in the parking lot. But when you’re a family on a budget and you know you’re gonna need it anyway, buy at Sam’s. You’re paying back the $40 membership fee with a couple of packages of diapers, three pounds of honey roasted peanuts and a case of Sam Adams. Fair warning, though, not everything at Sam’s is cheaper. In fact, I found stuff that was more expensive there than it was at United. So not only are they suckering you into buying bulk, but they’re charging more than if you bought a lesser quantity at the local place. That’s Wal-Mart for you. Everything has a financial footprint and they ain’t gonna lose money, son.

They might make only five bucks profit on a $40 box of diapers, but then they make seven bucks on a $18 bag of coffee because you can’t do the math or choose not to.

It’s a relationship that I go into with much leeriness. I don’t like knowing that they have a photo of me in their database. They got my address. They got my fingerprints. It’s scary. I don’t trust them beyond a box of diapers. I loathe them, gangsta, but take my advice: join the club.

And do the math.

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