Return of the Product

Return of the Product: When the Care Bears Don’t Know Your Name

In the deluge of failure commercial products targeted at mindless young parents, I’m sent an email from a co-worker reading sarcastically, “I think I found the next big thing,” in the body of the email. Scrolling down I find this product that’s the retail equivalent of a loaded diaper.

You can send in your child’s name through their website and then the Care Bears (the real deal) will sing your kid’s name into every song on the disc. Now, I’m not suggesting that, for a little tyke, having the your name sung on every song by the Care Bears isn’t pretty gangsta. I mean, I think being a kid I would’ve liked Lionel Richie to write my name into “Dancing on the Ceiling.” That would’ve been pretty hood. Not sure what that lyric would’ve been. “Jeff” is a great name, but doesn’t really fall well into prose. “Ellison,” though, has a classic poetic quality to it, methinks.

So I went to their site so I could browse the 6,000 names that they proudly claim are available for the Care Bears to implement into their dope stylings. “Ellison” is not one of them. Not that I was expectant that it would be. I mean, it wasn’t in the 60,000-listing baby name book. So, I guess that’s all I needed to not buy this drivel. Just one reason.

Not that I probably would’ve bought it even if they did. They’re looking for $27.99 for the piece of plastic. Frankly, it’s really the price that ruins this product. I would imagine that listening to a CD of the Care Bears (I mean, if you’re into that) and hearing your name dropped like rappers dropping “Lebron James” would be pretty sweet. Especially if it’s an ending rhyme. That means that they wrote the rhyming line specifically to fit your name. Turns out, though, all 50 of the times your kid’s name is mentioned is near the first of the line. Too easy. Although, one song line is “Care Bears and Josie, their mission is to save the planet.” Hell yeah. That’s what I’m talking about. There’s just nothing that’s so spectacular about that. It’s the parents’ job to drop their kid’s name into every song. Even if it doesn’t really work. I’ve been doing that with my lovely wife’s name since we started dating. It certainly doesn’t take that much talent. I want the Care Bears to write a song for Ellison. Then, maybe.

Tell you what, gimme a  six-pack of Banquet Beers and I’ll make Prince sing your kid’s name in “When Doves Cry.” That would make your kid the illest in class. I’ll even do the last name too just to give it validity.

Thirty bones, though, and I can’t have my girl’s name by the Care Bears? I’d figure they’d be desperate enough these days to do anything for a buck. I know they ain’t working like they used to. Gigs don’t come easy.

One Black Elvis for the Care Bears and their crappy music.


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