The other day when we were registering at a large national retailer, we ran into a friend and were browsing the deluge of products together. We came around to the diaper-changing products and found the most peculiar little patch of nylon shaped like a cone. I leaned in to read the packaging. PEE PEE TEE PEE. “Of course, you won’t be needing that,” she said.
Correct, we won’t be needing that.
Girls are cool because, apparently as a new dad, the penis is your nemesis. For a baby boy’s father, there’s no greater fear than pulling back a diaper needing to be changed. A loaded bladder and a unit going through an instant chill-down to room temperature is the makings of a fantastic Youtube moment. With a girl, you don’t have to worry about that water cannon unloading upon you or “in you” (gasp) with the exactness of a Super Soaker at point blank range. Yep, a dirty diaper is bad enough. The experience is worsened when you’re fearing projectile. It’s a boys nature to use his penis for precision firing. Boys will write their name on anything with their own urine. Why? Because we can. We were given a pee pen named a penis. And, if you have a short name like “Jeff” or “Todd,” it doesn’t take but two Capri Suns to become a graffiti artist.
On another note, somewhat related: When we adopted our first beagle Jackson, we noticed the most peculiar behavior of his was that he pee’d in a squat rather than lifting his leg. It’s like he was raised by all women. He didn’t know how to pitch up on a tree and nail it. He’d walk out into the middle of the yard, drop his backside and squat-pee. Then, we got Tucker who lifts on almost everything (ask my mother). Jackson now realizes the power of the penis. He still squats from time to time, but he never raised up until he met his little brother. As a guy, you learn a lot about your anatomy and how to operate it by watching others. Like the time I taught a kid how to hold his britches up while he used the urinals so he didn’t have pants at the ground and his bare tail-end waving in the wind. Someone’s gotta teach that kid. Nothing’s more shocking and scarring than opening a bathroom door and seeing the whitest ass in the world smiling at you. Pull ’em up, kiddo, and bust your thumb through a belt loop.
Girls are cool because they don’t pack heat.